Benevolent Detachment: Guiding Clients to a New Source of Identity and Acceptance

Categories: AACC BLOG

by Janeen Davis, Psy.D., MFT

How often do you hear clients say, “They made me feel….” as they describe interactions with spouses, friends, family members, and coworkers?

When clients claim that someone made them feel a certain way, they are ceding control of their emotions to another person. While the intuitive belief that external factors dictate emotions is natural, common, and often correctable, there is another important layer to consider for Christians. After all, if our well-being is determined by circumstances or the choices of others, what does that imply about the significance of Christ and the new life He has given us?

Just this morning, a client described a series of conversations with her husband that left her feeling unvalued and unappreciated. After her hurt compounded over the course of the day, she told her husband how his comments had made her feel. He quickly apologized. Sound familiar?

As we explored this client’s beliefs about her husband’s words, it became clear that her feelings had nothing to do with what he had said. Rather, her feelings stemmed from her own long-standing insecurities and a deep desire to be seen as useful, helpful, and comforting. Though we could have followed the CBT route of checking and changing her negative thoughts, we instead looked at the topic of identity.

Theories on attachment (Bowlby, 1969) and social learning (Bandura, 1977) explain that our sense of self and self-worth is formed through our interactions with others. The way people treat and respond to us teaches us who we are in this world—whether we are lovable, capable, and secure (Curran et al., 2021; Felix et al., 2021; Zhang et al., 2024)). The problem is that a self-concept based on the treatment and perceptions of others is vulnerable to whatever abuse, criticism, judgement, or rejection we might encounter—whether overt or supposed.

The beauty of the new life found through faith in Christ is that it requires a new birth (see John 3:3; 1 Pet. 1:23), and “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!”(Christian Standard Bible, 2017, 1 Cor. 5:17). While it is natural to believe our well-being and emotions are determined by external circumstances, new life invites a revised framework for attachment and self-concept.

Identity in Christ means being known and claimed and adopted by the King of the universe, accepted as His daughter, treasured and embraced by His costly love, and indwelt with His Spirit. Nothing can take us from the palm of His hand—we have been given an impenetrable identity that is entirely secure. No longer vulnerable to the pains and trials of life, we have a new basis for hope and joy that eclipses any circumstance (Phil. 4:11-13).

This line of reasoning begs the question: Who is God to you?

It is vital to invite Christian clients to reflect deeply on this question. Their answer will reveal the true basis for their identity, hope, and well-being. While my client may not always be seen as useful, helpful, or comforting by her family—and while she may accurately perceive apathy —she still has the power to choose whether she will allow these momentary attitudes to define her worth. If her identity is firmly rooted in Christ, she is free to love, serve, and help others—not as a means to gain anyone’s approval—but as the overflow of a secure heart, already fully loved, accepted, and cherished by God.

Facilitating a genuine paradigm shift about the basis of identity is no small task and likely not a single-session pursuit. Clients who have lifelong habits of ruminating over perceived offenses, hurts, and dismissals will need time and guidance to anchor themselves to a new source of identity and well-being. The Bible gives clear instructions on what to do, but our role as Christian counselors is often to provide practical guidance, techniques, and strategies that facilitate the how.

Through Scripture, God invites us to cast all of our cares on Him: the One who perfectly cares for us (1 Pet. 5:7). We are meant to bring all of our burdens and concerns to Him, find rest for our souls in Him, and receive guidance from His gentle and humble heart (Matt. 11:28-30). As we trust in Christ, we should be filled with joy and peace, overflowing with hope (Rom. 15:13).

These passages show us what God desires we do with the painful, distracting situations that hinder our ability to walk with him in fullness of joy and peace. However, clients can often feel discouraged if they are not able to successfully obey these commands by simply wanting to. They need help with the how.

One practical and effective way to approach God with our burdens and experience all the blessings of His presence is through the perspective and practice of benevolent detachment. Conceptualized by John Eldredge (2020, Chapter 2), benevolent detachment provides a powerful depiction of how to acknowledge our worries, cares, and deepest desires for life and loved ones (i.e., benevolence) while unburdening ourselves from the overwhelming weight of carrying these things alone (i.e., detachment).

At the heart of benevolent detachment is a powerful and freeing statement: Jesus, I give everything and everyone to You. From this place of surrender, we can slowly evict the mental squatters who live rent-free in our minds and rob our hearts of God’s promised peace. This is an intentional time to embrace union with God and remind ourselves that we were created to find fulfillment, peace, and hope in Him. For more information about this technique in theory, theology, and practice, you can watch John Eldredge explain it here (Wild at Heart, 2024).

As clients develop a more secure identity in Christ, they learn to benevolently detach their well-being from the words and actions of others. They also learn to respond with curiosity—rather than defensive or wounded reactions—when others put their own heart issues on display. Maturing in this way frees individuals to lovingly care for and serve others without hedging their happiness on what another might say or do. This is the essence of benevolent detachment.

Whether dealing with anxiety, anger, broken relationships, or dysfunctional family systems, I consistently see the benefit in clients who take a one-minute, daily pause to prayerfully reorient themselves to the truth that they are loved and accepted children of God. When we lay our burdens at His feet, seek Him, and adopt our Savior’s view of who we are and what we’re worth, our troubles and insecurities are reappraised in the light of truth.

Of course, it’s hard to guide clients through this internal paradigm shift if we have not worked through it ourselves. From one counselor to another, I strongly recommend personal use of the benevolent detachment resources and the One Minute Pause app as an extremely healthy practice for those of us who can feel burdened by the weight of this work. There is no better relief than entrusting everything and everyone into God’s hands, exchanging our concerns for comfort, and receiving rest for our souls.

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Dr. Janeen Davis, PsyD, MFT, has been dedicated to cross-cultural ministry since 2007, supervising a Member Care team that supported over 1,000 ministry workers. In 2021, she launched Purpose & Peace Solutions, providing counseling for global missionaries and stateside individuals, and helping ministries develop healthy teaming practices, effective member care support, and biblical conflict resolution. Janeen is the Master Practitioner and Trainer for Peace Pursuit International, and is a popular and captivating conference speaker.
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References

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. New York, NY: General Learning Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss. New York: Basic Books.

The Christian Standard Bible. (2017). Holman Bible Publishers.

Curran, T., Meter, D., Janovec, A., Brown, E., & Caban, S. (2021). Maternal adult attachment styles and mother–child transmissions of social skills and self-esteem. Journal of Family Studies, 27(4), 491–505. https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2019.1637365

Eldredge, J. (2020). Get your life back: Everyday practices for a world gone mad. Thomas Nelson.

Felix, O. C. A., Oguegbe, T. M., Ezeanyanwu, C. F., & Chinenyenwa Felicitas, I. (2021). Intimate relationship among Nigerian university undergraduates: The predictive effects of self-esteem and identity. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 31(7), 929-940. https://doi.org/10.1080/10911359.2020.1829238

Wild at Heart. (2024, August 29). 1. The one minute pause | Get your life back | John Eldredge [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqrslK1CFQg

Zhang, Z., Wang, Y., Wu, H., Zhou, Y., & Peng, C. (2024). Direct and indirect effects of father-child attachment on academic burnout in college students. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1345590. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1345590